1. Thom Time

    The entirety of yesterday was an intense experience. Having such little sleep and an over abundance of caffeine seemed to spark a lot of something in my brain.

    Writing about my anxiety demon to the point of clarity was physically exhausting, but as I’m prone to do, my head chewed on it all damn day. It took a few beers and a solid hamburger to shut off my head and allow for some sleep. Granted, I passed out around 8p and woke up around 1:30a (and have been up since), but the rest was good.

    I laid there in bed this morning, knowing that I needed to take full advantage of this time while Ray is out of town. It’s Thom-time, and as a step in a better direction, I took off on a short run. My right knee has been bothersome for a few weeks now, aggravated after a long run I did, and I had to wait for it to heal. Today, it felt good enough, and the few miles I did were good on me.

    Writing and running seem to be my tools to find a path forward. I knew this already, but somehow lost my way over the last six months or so. I don’t blame Ray for this - it is me who has shoved aside my own journey to lay the foundation for what he and I have.

    Still, in order to be the man I am supposed to be, and to fully experience all of the changes and growth in my life, I need to have more time for me, dedicated to my self-improvement. I know he will back me up on this, and even go so far as to perhaps undertake his own exploration into self and future.

    I thank my friend Amanda for underlining all of this yesterday for me. She has no idea the goodness she brings into my life.

  2. Burger and Tater Tots and a beer. #dinner (at Roscoe’s)

    Burger and Tater Tots and a beer. #dinner (at Roscoe’s)

  3. When Autocorrect changes a word you didn’t spell wrong…

    brokenlimits:

    image

  4. All day long, I’ve been getting photos and updates from him. I wasn’t expecting this, but it kinda made me feel like I was there at the Field Museum in Chicago, watching him totally nerd out over awesome fossils.

    He didn’t need to do this.

    But he did. And I’m very happy for it.

  5. Yet Another Realization

    Today was a rough morning.  Well, not rough, so much as it was a moment of clarity drawn out by writing – as is often the case with me – about why I’ve been grappling with a deep-seeded anxiety with regards to Ray.  This morning, he took off on his journey to Iowa where he’ll be visiting with his family and attending his brother’s wedding.  It’s the first time in our relationship that he’s taken…

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  6. My Orders

    Feed the fish.
    Water the plants.
    Relax and enjoy some quality me-time.

    He’s off to Iowa via Chicago to attend his brother’s wedding and visit with his dad’s side of the family for a few days. While he’s gone, I’ve got a few things to do. Primarily, though, it’ll be me and my reading/writing. I’m attending a discussion at a GLBT health center here in town on Thursday night, and enjoying lunch with a friend that same afternoon.

    I’ve got no other real plans, and intend to keep it that way. Some quiet me-time will be good. This is a good sample of what it’ll be like when he’s gone for three weeks in September.

  7. jaseon:

    Beautiful.

  8. This Little Girl Completely Loses It When She Finds Out Her Baby Brother Can't Stay Tiny Forever →

    This reminds me of reasonsmysoniscrying

  9. You are more than your sexuality, more than what people think you are pre-destined to be. If you make something out of nothing you win.

    — (via revolutionarygaymagazine)

  10. Sorted out his garden and the space we share in this thing, and have returned to a good headspace. My help with the weeds and overgrowth made an impression. Apparently, I’m the first to care about his green thumb tendencies. He’s the first to actually appreciate my rural roots too.

    Sorted out his garden and the space we share in this thing, and have returned to a good headspace. My help with the weeds and overgrowth made an impression. Apparently, I’m the first to care about his green thumb tendencies. He’s the first to actually appreciate my rural roots too.

  11. Love is

    Accepting each other’s flaws and seeing things in totality.

    He’s no angel. Neither am I.

  12. Demons

    Yesterday, I woke up with a terrible dream on my tongue. I knew if I told it to Ray, it would upset him, so I kept my mouth shut. We got up, had breakfast and coffee, and everything was peaceful. Then, as a matter of course in our conversation, it came out.

    I told him about the dream I had which involved him, a third party, and the transmission of an illness between him and the third party. In the dream, Ray called me, after the fact, and I woke up wondering what I should do in that scenario.

    It did upset him. It shook him and revealed the inner insecurity I’ve been fighting since he told me about his upcoming trip to Iowa for his brother’s wedding. I have been working so damn hard not to be like this, but in my sub- consciousness, my awake-efforts matter not.

    The truth is, I have done this before. I’ve freaked out and got scared the moment I needed to let the person who has my heart go on a journey by themselves. I panic. I freak out. I melt down.

    Or, at least, I did. I had vowed not to ever be that monster again.

    This is not something Ray has even instigated. It’s yet another goddamned demon from my past. Separation anxiety, like a scared puppy, came from something way back in my past and has haunted me ever since. Broken trust somewhere along the line has formed this brutal short circuit in logic.

    This morning, I’m bringing Ray food and a head hung low. He has accepted my apology three times now, but he is clearly upset by my behavior and thoughts because it’s exactly how his ex acted. I am not his ex. He is not the reason for my mental issues. This is a disconnect that needs to be dealt with.

  13. (Source: forgottenships)

  14. I may not have money.
    I may not have a rocking body.
    I may not have much in the way of things or talents or grace.

    But I do have the best goddamned cuddler for a boyfriend ever and that pretty much makes up for everything else.