by Robert Hunziker Readers of this article will likely live to see climate change so disruptive and damaging that it will alter the Western world’s standard of living. In fact, the onset of radical…
Additionally, the ice melt and warming at the Arctic instigates a critical climatic problem, i.e., disruption of the jet streams. Dr. Jennifer Francis of Rutgers University has presented research to the scientific community that demonstrates that Arctic sea ice loss and warming impacts upper-level atmospheric circulation such that, “… slowing its winds and increasing its tendency to make contorted high-amplitude loops. Such high-amplitude loops in the upper level wind pattern (and associated jet stream) increase the probability of persistent (that is, longer-duration) weather patterns in the Northern Hemisphere potentially leading to extreme weather due to longer-duration cold spells, snow events, heat waves, flooding events, and drought conditions.” And, isn’t this exactly what has been happening?
What if gay men stopped trying to couple up? What if we simply stopped seeking out “the other half” of the relationship we are all desperate to have? What if, instead, we simply allowed ourselves to be passionate, fully-engaged lovers with each other, and stopped trying to cram ourselves into this weird hetero-normative mold of coupledom? What could we do with our energy and time instead of seeking our perfect forever-partner? What does that even mean in our world?
Of course, this is really a personal exploration of myself.
What really kills me is how much energy I put into finding a partner just so I “fit in” with those I know. I find myself playing this game that I will have more value in my self if I find a man who will love me, rather than be a valuable single guy. I don’t want to be a player in that any longer. I don’t want to have my worth measured by the man on my arm. I would much rather be known as Thom, and not so-and-so’s boyfriend.
I have spent so much time in my life being defined by others around me. I have hardly ever stood out on my own and said, “This is me. Take me, or leave me be.” That kind of vulnerability is not what I’m comfortable with - or at least, I’ve never been comfy with it. Lately, though, I have had to swallow the lump in my throat when yet another friend announces they’ve become one of a couple and that they’re so much happier and aww so much love and squish. This means that, inevitably, they will see me as a sad lonely man, even when I’m not sad, and I’m perfectly okay with being alone (which is NOT the same as lonely). It also means that I will more-than-likely lose contact with them as they disappear into a different existence.
I need to find my peace with this. I need to find my okay-spot - where I can be totally okay to let them go into whatever bliss they believe they’ve found, and enjoy their happiness along with them, so long as they’ll let me stay in contact. I need to also fight back when that creeping ugly grossness of judgement attempts to throw a veil over my mood and remind my how much worth a person has who is coupled versus a person who is not. That is not a reality. It’s not something that is honest. It’s merely a social construct I don’t buy into.
In the end, I want to connect with other gay men. I want to be part of the community I identify with. Does that mean I’m seeking a long-term husband for the ages? Not necessarily. Would I shut down any attempt to share a space in time with me? Not at all, if it were right.
A good friend said, instead of calling it “single,” call it “individual.” I rather like that concept a lot. We, societally, celebrate our individuality. We shun those who are loners and not part of the coupledom ideal life. I’d much rather be a colorful, contented, and well-rounded individual than a weak shell of a human who requires a “better half” to complete me.
Tonight’s journal writing.
I’m done trying to fit in. I’m also done seeking validation through commitment to another. I don’t need another to define me. I’d love another to elevate me, as I would him too.
My friend just thought of a brilliant idea. A pay it forward loan. You loan someone money but instead of them paying you back they have to pay that amount of money to other people. Doesn’t have to be one person could be multiple people. I like it.
This has happened a few times in my life already. I intend on paying it back, hopefully with interest, by paying it forward, as instructed.
She was appalled by the terrible remake that aired the other day.
I always admired the Baroness and her perfect plan to ship the rugrats to a lovely little place called Boarding School.
And her dress during the party scene? Gorgeous.
This suit was stunning too.
Rest in peace Baroness Schraeder.
i am a witch with magical powers. this morning just before i woke up i was dreaming about having breakfast with eleanor parker and ann miller. topic of discussion? miss miller’s 300 taps per minute which miss parker was pooh-poohing as a parlor trick. sorry to see the old dame go.
I woke up today from a dream in which my ex-husband had just broken my heart. I was sad. I was furious. I was feeling gut-punched and angry with myself for letting him go. It was in some sort of transportation terminal - probably an airport. As I was beginning to wake up, a mutual friend handed me a CD of music and waved at me as he passed through an exit and disappeared. I didn’t quite catch what was on the disc, though, and now I’m wondering what music I need to hear today.
When I woke, and checked my e-mail, two contacts of mine had written to say that they’d found connections and were in the throes of some sort of beginnings to something special.
I know it’s not my time for any of that at all. I know that I’m not settled yet, nor am I in a place to give that kind of thing in my life the kind of time and energy it needs - I have to remain focused on myself for a while longer yet. Still, waking up with a heavy heart and wondering about one’s own value and worth among the men of this place gives me pause.
I will dust myself off and continue on with my morning, as I need to prepare for work and such.
I know this state of flux in my life is not permanent. I’m coming in for a landing soon. I will have solid ground and a solid foundation from which to grow from very soon. This time of year is all about reflection over the past, with an understanding that the future is still coming, that the light of the New Year is growing, even while the old one is passing away. I need to retain my optimism. I need to persevere.
I also need to remind myself that I do have worth, and I am worthy.